241022 Acceptance ~ To come out of the lowest and settle into a rhythms somehow completely foreign to me, was at first startling. At first, I felt relief, and then again a sense of longing, dissatisfaction. It is never enough. With the recognition that "I am here for now", it is important to remember that "here" was once the unknown, something unimaginable, scary and exciting. Now, it is normal. Normal means the passage of time.

241010 It's a bizarre feeling not knowing where to begin, suspended in a state of actionlessness but propelled forward by the unceasing force of a will to survive, as well as a will for something greater than that. When I evaulate my choices, I only see a web of dazzling complexity beyond my ability to possibly determine whether I have any control or I do not. All I know, is there is that desire for something more. That longing leaves you questioning whether or not your small time has been spent with intention, purpose, meaning... if it was simply a choice of action or non-action, then I have failed. But why do I still want it? Is it a matter of non-acceptance? Or is there really something more..

20240723 ~ Well, I wasn't sure where else to start, so I figured I'd just begin. Feeling down lately, after feeling so high. I reminded myself during the crest that, there are ups and downs. I guess I have to remind myself that now too. I don't really feel that bad.. it's more so that I feel drained. It's hard coming out of a place feeling so inspired, where life feels full of meaning and hope. I haven't lost that completely, I just sometimes wish that there were ways to hold onto that feeling longer. It seems that the structure and pace of life prevent that from being possible, but I also imagine that it's just unrealistic to expect that in the first place. What I really hope for is the ability to carry out more of my goals, to have the time and energy and passion and motivation to see them through. One of the problems is that as soon as you complete one, more pop up to take it's place. I guess that is what being human is about; we love to solve problems. If there are none, we like to create them. I feel glad that I have limited many distractions and found methods to prioritize my time and to be more well-rounded, whatever that means. As I think of all of the things I want and hope for, I remember that "wanting" might be a part of the problem. I don't want to just float through life, but life is happening to me. I am along for the ride.